Where are you?

For the longest, I was seeing RED.

I couldn’t hang on. I was slipping away — literally, hanging onto a ledge, as I stood over the freeway prepared to jump. I was looking for an escape.

Mental illness is a hard road. It’s difficult because you never know when or where your next episode/breakdown is coming from. You can stride along for so long, until you can’t anymore. This life is unpredictable. It is questionable. Unstable. And quite frankly, I am terrified.

Through it all, however, I have learned quite a lot about myself, others and the world that we live in.

The most important thing that mental illness has taught me is that the fight never ends. It doesn’t matter how much therapy you do, how many pills you take, how many prayers you say, how many positive affirmations you copy and paste on the walls — it never ends.

And, that’s okay.

Yes, it is okay.

If you don’t agree, I understand that too. But let me tell you — you DO have it takes to be a fighter. Nah, fuck that. You ARE a fighter.

Even on your worst days, YOU FIGHT.

You’re still breathing, right? The air that you breathe, the steps that you take, the words that you speak, and the moves that you make toward HEALING — make you one badass of a fighter. Even when you feel like total shit, and no one can convince you of otherwise. YOU FIGHT MENTAL ILLNESS.

Let me be the one to tell you: YOU WILL ALWAYS WIN THE WAR.

Keep on swinging.

– R.K.B. (2020)