I used to be a huge, mega whore.
Yes, that is true,
at least, for my own personal standards.
I loved sex, and sex loved me harder. I was immersed in it. Absorbed by it, and more and more – over time, I had succumb to it like a crackhead feigning for a drug. I always needed more. It rewarded me when I felt so high, and then, helped to calm down my hurricane of emotions when I felt low. Bipolar was always in control, though, behind the wheel, but sitting right next to the driver seat were six little demons hyped up and along for the ride – my vagina, my bipolar mania, and a slew of unresolved traumas, insecurities, secrets and unspoken pain.
My bipolar disorder was holding the reigns of it all, however. With every episode, the imbalance of normal emotions brought me to making all kinds of terrible decisions, from letting someone screw me without my initial consent, to screwing guys I had just met in cars in the middle of the night, to pursuing people who were already in relationships. I’ve done it all. Yes, indeed.
This was a lot.
It still is.
How does promiscuity connect to Bipolar disorder? Sure, many studies exist out there. But, really, how?
For myself, I was most sexually active during both my manic and my depressive episodes – primarily when they were the most severe. The extreme imbalance of thoughts and feelings comes out directly in our actions. Thus, mostly everything you do thereafter will completely be out of character.
So, how did I change?
- I sought quality mental health treatment. This took three years, multiple psychologists, therapists, doctors, clinics and psych ward stays. This took relying on Medicaid and my mom’s HAP insurance (HAP sucks ass sometimes, BTW) to partner up and cover my hospital bills. This took buckets of tears, fighting back the urge to commit suicide, waiting on hold for a voice to answer the phone, and not succumbing to the illness and finally going insane. It was a lot, but, I did it.
- I relied on GOD. I prayed, and continue to. I am far from the perfect Christian. But without GOD, I’d be dead and definitely not writing you this blog post right now. I would be dead, dead, dead without my GOD. Jesus saved me. If you happen to NOT believe, I suggest you at least FIND SOMETHING TO BELIEVE IN. You can start with believing in YOURSELF! ❤ 🙂
- I started holding myself accountable. I set daily, weekly, monthly and annual goals toward improving my health and healing. I constantly reviewed my own personal progress, and honestly addressed my setbacks along the way. I didn’t need a motivational coach to do this for me. I BECAME my own and most loudest cheerleader. I was fighting for my life. I am STILL fighting for my life. I took this path seriously, including the illness itself – and I did not let up on my own growth. I continue to push for it. This attitude is the driving force toward success when trying to learn how to manage mental illness. It won’t make it go away, but it will allow you, for probably the first time ever, to be in the driver’s seat. It will finally allow you to be in control of your life, and not bipolar disorder.
BELIEVE THAT YOU CAN BE.
I will share my following steps in part two of this topic! Stay tuned.
I hope that these top three help you get started. Remember, there is no perfect way to manage something as messy as bipolar disorder. Just begin. Start now, start somewhere – and let your fight make all the difference.
R.K.B. is an award winning self-published Author, Poet and Entrepreneur from Detroit, Michigan.
Visit her website to learn more, and stay updated on her upcoming works and events: http://www.intomywoods.com !